{the skinny}

Good gravy, ladies.  What we have here is an epidemic. Everyone just try to remain calm.  We can get through this if we just stick together, state the truth and come at it like a spider monkey.  Stay behind me.  I got you covered.  Here.we.go.

The majority of us are hooked and in state of complete ignorance with our runway obsession. With quick licks of our middle fingers, we sashay-flip the magazines pages as if we're popping pills.  Scouring the sights before us. The colors.  The ads. Big white fashion horse pills are swallowed. We internally re-arrange our closets only to, furthermore, maneuver a way to stuff the now-trending into our drawers.  Like highly skilled Navy Seals reloading their magazines rounds, we effort the push-stuff-shove & shut storing up our chest with fashion. The now.  The popular. The "how in the heck am I gonna get that drawer open to get that back out?" too.

Yes, we are victims of the trend.  And, ladies?  Don't be hatin' on me already.  Now is not the time to be taking offense to my words. I'm leading us into this battle head-on, remember? Fashion happens. Point the fingers to those cats like Armani, Dolce & Gabbana and Michael Kohrs.  Blame them.  I do.  It's their creative awesomeness that floods and then leaks into us all.  Don't be too hard on yourself.  We're all in this together.  I got your back.

It's my goal to wreck this teaser-to-the-weekend otherwise known as Thursday with a bit of light hearted frugality.  We all need a break by Thursday, right?  My plan is simple.  I will showcase some great fashion finds from my camp, dissect the trends of now and what we can possibly do about them on a real level or simply poke fashion fun of at myself in one fine way or another.  There now.  We're all set.

Let's talk about skinny jeans.  Fuh-reak.  I know.  They're all the rage.  I avoided them. For so long, I did.  And now that I'm on board the skinny jean express, well, this choo-choo is most likely puffing smoke and ready to head back the round house.  But hey?  A day late and a dollar short works when you predominantly shop at Goodwill.  I can afford to be fashionably late, see?

Let's be square here.  All newbies to this space, heed my words:  I DO NOT SHOP THE STORE FRONTS. I do not shop the store backs for that matter.  I shop only wicked sales and then take my happy tail to Goodwill for the deal.  I don't really want to pay $98.00 for a pair of jeans.  I want to pay $3.50 and be rollin' with more grocery money to feed my house of men with hollow legs.  You feel me?

Back to the skinny.  I have yet to speak to any one person who does not have a slight issue with the skinny jean.  And when I say skinny jean, I'm talking about the form fitting second skin kind.  Not those loose fit reeeeelax-dude-and just-skateboard-for-crying-out-loud kind.  It's important you understand the difference.

Here allow me to give you an example.  Let's narrow it down to a specific brand:

Old Navy Rockstar Jeans.  Apparently, they're having a pretty trump tight sale on them at the moment with their new spring colors.  {no pun intended}  Their tag line for this style is "Great For All Shapes.  Super Stretchy & Universally Flattering".  Um, okay.  I own 2 pair of these Rockstars.  Both purchased for a little more than I care to spend on jeans, but I had to ride the trendy train.  A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

Let's get serious.  DO NOT attempt to purchase these specific skinny jeans in your actual size. No way.  Nuh-uh.  While they are super stretchy, Old Navy, they are NOT true to size.  My happy camp was blow torched down when I purchased my normal size only to come home and perform tactics much akin to the contortionists that travel with the Ringling Brothers Circus. With an upper lip beaded with sweat and stanky pits, I lost the battle of the button.  The best I could do was get my stomach to resemble a butt all smooshed in the attempt to close the skinny deal.  UP-SIZE, LADIES.  Keep your Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls,  you are golden. Just buy 2 sizes larger than what your typical size is.  DO NOT PANIC.

And, I'm finding this is kinda true when I talk with other skinny jeaners. Not only are we all having to upsize, but most of us are not fully sold on the ole skinny.  It seems that no matter the body type, there's at least one grumble to these glorified get-me-ons.  Allow me to introduce you to The Skinny Jean Guide To Comfort & Truth.  May you be reminded that we all suffer on this choo-choo train engineered by Coco Channel and Christian Dior looking all cute in their little striped ticking hats.  We ready?  All aboard!

It's going down.  I'm yelling TIMBER.  You better move.  You better dance.  Please note the guide above.  I'm gonna walk you tootsies through this.  It is my hope that by the time I'm through, you'll feel a bit more safe in that skin of yours.  The skinny is after us all.  No one is safe.

You've got your She-ra.  This body type with her J-Lo-esqueness feels the prick of the skinny too.  For in order to select a size proportioned to their beautimous gleutimous, they, in turn, have to wrestle with the wads of excess around their 22 inch waist.  Belts be cinching.  Layers be happenin' too. There's also a teensy chance that the skinny jean will need to be cuffed as the size purchased is not typically indicative of this J-Lo's actual height.  Can you say alterations?  I knew that you could.  Cha-ching.  

Next up, we have the Hitch Hiker.  Awe, my homegirl.  I am the hitch hiker.  And let me be clear.  While the hitch hiker boasts of legs long and lean, we have almost the exact same measurement in the hip, waist AND bust.  I kid you not.  The hitch hiker suffers from the "No End Syndrome" too. No end meaning NO BOTTOM END.  Thus, the skinny jean along with every other jean, slides down our back sides.  Belts are our BFFS. There's a lot of hiking going on when skinny jeans are worn.  The dang things just won't stay up. Internal swear words may or may not be a by-product of the skinny jean hitch hiker.  Just sayin.

Barbells.  These ladies are trump.  Strong & bold.  They're not shopping in the petite section. They never have.  And the skinny is Lucifer on a hanger for them.  Barbells girls have muscle. Arms full & legs too. Calves, people. Killer ones. There's nothing boney about them. Thus, the skinny jean is all kinds of what the heck?  Fitting into a single shaped form set is almost ridiculous.  I would imagine there are lots of peeling when it's time to exit the skinny jean.  Belts are no where to be seen in this line up.

Lastly, we have the toothpick.  Don't go all re-donk hater on her.  She's got probs too.  You see, the toothpick is long, lean almost like an elastic statue of height.  Tee-tiny, she stands. And there ain't a thing she can do about it.  Most often, she's the girl going back for seconds and thirds even.  Her plate is always full and she is always hungry.  She carries snacks around with her.  While the skinny jean works for her build, she is troubled with the torture of 2 things:

1. The belt for keeping the suckers up

2.  The potential "chicka chicka slim shady" too short look.  

 

She requires tall in length.  Poor girl.  Specific size add-ons requirements are the proverbial fashion buzz kill.  Online ordering tends to be her friend.

And there you have it.  See, no one is safe.  Load your fashion bazookas and fight, ladies. Fight on for the sake of those glossy magazine pages. Press, suck, cinch, peel & push.  Do what it takes for the sake of the skinny jean.  Ride that train and remember we are all shoveling coal for those runway engineers.  Size up and rock on whichyerbadselves.

Cheap Thrills Thursday, I got nothin' but skinny love for you.

Rockin' my hitch hiking belt,

.mac :)